It's Been a Vicious Cycle

I realized a couple of months ago that it was taking longer to catch my breath when I topped the stairs, getting down to the floor and back up again was a little painful, and that it was taking more effort to stand up from a relaxed position on the couch. So I went to the doctor and was shocked to find out that my weight had climbed to a number far surpassing any number I ever thought I would see. I'm not brave enough to share it with you yet, but one day, perhaps I will. I promise, I will have lost a significant amount of weight by then!

My doctor is wonderful. She comes across as genuinely caring, does not coddle, offers suggestions and an honest opinion in a firm, but kind manner. She did all kinds of testing, and discovered that basically.... I'm disgustingly healthy, other than my weight. Is it strange to hope something is wrong with you? A diagnosis of some sort, while it wouldn't make it easier and I certainly don't want to be sick, would at least offer an excuse for how I got to be grossly obese. It would sweep the blame right off my doorstep.

The truth is, I lie to myself.

Lie: I tell myself that since I exercise I can eat or drink whatever I want.
Truth: There has to be a calorie deficit to achieve weight loss, and if I consume extra calories, then I'm counteracting the loss of the caleries I burned during exercise!

Lie: I eat the same amount of food as my husband, and he's not fat! (He's rather good lookin' actually!)
Truth: We probably eat about the same amount of food, in fact, Kyle often finishes my plate, BUT, most of the time he is eating much healther foods with only a bite or two of my unhealthy fare. Once again, quality trumps quantity.

Lie: I don't look my weight.
Truth: That's a moot point. Whether I look my weight or not does not matter because I feel my weight. It's uncomfortable, painful at times, and has an emotional pain intrisically attached.

Lie: If I had more free time and money, I could lose weight.
Truth: People lose weight and get healthy all the time, and they too are busy with jobs, lives, children, obligations. They make time for it. It's called a priority!

Today my doctor told me several times that she believes in me, that I can lose weight, "But," she said, "You have to want it." She told me that she did not feel like I wanted it. She said she felt like there is a block of some sort that is keeping me from self-motivating, and if I can't be self-motivating, I won't be successful. She was adamant that she believes I can lose this weight, without medication, without surgery... soley on my own.

I do want it. I'm uncomfortable in my skin. I'm a good person, funny, smart, and loved, but I don't like me. My size holds me back. I've been thinking about mental blocks, and I think there is truth to what she said, and I'm grateful to her to bringing it to my attention. I can work on those things, and make and execute my plans for weight loss success.

Some simple things I'm going to do to keep myself motivated are blog more often. Hold myself accountable. Actually keep track of weight, calories in, calories burned. Not drink my calories. Make a list of reasons I want to lose weight. Chronicle my failures and my successes.

I once asked God to make this experience worth it. To use me, to glorify Him, to help others. I felt so strongly, that God will use me, that he wants me to lose weight and be healthy, and that he wants me to do it for Him. But I've been a slacker and I've been stubbornly resentful of the actual work that has to be put into this. And I've been unsuccessful in fulfilling the plans I know God has for me.

God, here I am. I'm admitting that I have knowingly done things that are bad for my health, that cause this weight gain. I believe I've hurt my body and my heart, and I'm pleading with you to heal both. Make me a new creation. Instill in me discipline and enthusiasm, and guide me in my decisions, so that I glorify You.

Back in the saddle again....

I was losing weight when I was working at the prison. Nine hour shifts, no chair, lots of walking, and only ONE 15 minute break will help with that. My feet were hurting all the time (I have plantar fasciitis which is very painful) and when I quit the prison, my feet continued to hurt for weeks afterward. For a little while I maintained what I had lost and lost a few pounds more!

It's funny how life happens though. Did you know that many of the people, including winners, from The Biggest Loser regain huge amounts of the weight they lost while on the show? It's because life stops when they are on the show and their job becomes exercising for 6 hours a day and only eating 1200 calorie diets! They go home and life happens and they gain it all back! Well, life happened. And I gained back every bit of what I lost.

It's not all because of being busy, or starting a new job. I'm ashamed to admit that the majority of it is because I lack self control. The best formula for losing weight is simply this:

Calories Burned > Calories Consumed

OR

Calories In < Calories Out

This means that to be successful in weight loss I have to burn more calories than I eat. Sounds easy right? That's where the self control comes in to play. I know how to exercise, and believe it or not, I actually like exercising when I'm actually doing it. I know how to eat healthy meals. The trick is having the self control to consistently do both at the same time!

Last weekend, I started riding my bike with my husband. I prefer kickboxing, but my feet have been hurting too much to go consistently. We replaced my stock pedals with "clipless" pedals. Clipless is a misnomer. Back in the day when pedals had straps, you "clipped" your shoe into place on the pedal. Well now they don't have straps, so they call them "clipless." Obviously, a better name would be strapless. This is what was explained to me anyway, I have not researched the accuracy of the story. In any case, your shoes quite literally "clip" into the pedals, and you must rotate your foot to the side to remove it from the pedal. It took a minute to figure out how to get them clipped in and start riding. It took a fall to figure out how to get them unclipped and stop riding. I unclipped the right food and fell over to the left. I now have nice palm sized road rash on my left shin. I got back on and rode some more on Saturday. I rode again on Sunday and noticed that my derrier is very sore. I rode tonight and my backside HURTS! Kyle says it's not your legs you have to get into shape to ride, it's your butt! I swear the saddle bruises the BONE! But I'm riding!

Today's meal progress: I had a healthy breakfast (egg sandwhich), a not so healthy lunch (cheese enchilada, chips and hot sauce, coke), and a healthy dinner (Lean Cuisine, water and Diet Coke). I rode my bike outside for 23 minutes with my husband, and had fresh pineapple and a spoonful of cottage cheese for dessert.

I appreciate words of encouragement, and prayers are also welcome!

Water is my friend

You know the song "What did you do today, to make you feel proud?" They use it (or used to) on the opening credits for The Biggest Loser. This weekend the only thing I did that made me feel proud was go to kickboxing on Saturday at noon. The class was good. There were several newbies there, who appeared to be in good shape and I admit to feeling a surge of satisfaction when one of them had to sit out a good portion of class because their endurance level was so low (does that make me a bad person?). I've never quit! I did go speak with him and encourage him to keep coming back and that his endurance would improve. See? I'm a good person. After that, the weekend went downhill fast in the form of two meals at On The Border, Braum's fast food breakfast, and regular Coke. A lot of regular Coke.

But I'll recover. Last week the goal I set for myself was to exercise more days than not, and I achieved it. This week's goal is to add a much more healthful meal plan to the mix, and to drink lots and lots of water. Water is my friend. Pepsi and Coke are not. Brookshire's is gonna love me tomorrow.

I CAN do that!

I've lost a few pounds in the last week, and couldn't be happier. Exercising really does give me more energy and a greater sense of self-worth. Still have a long way to go, but small goals count too! Every single ounce lost is a personal achievement.

I have to give a shout out to the trainers at LA Boxing, who's classes have contributed to a six pound weight loss in 9 days. Each class I've attended is unique to the style and personality of the trainer, but each one has in common this: I'm learning that I can do things I didn't think I could do. Add a kick to that combo? Yeah, I can do that. 30 seconds of hooks and then squats? I can do that, too. Add five burpees? Well, I'm still working on that one, but I'm a whole lot closer than I used to be!

"Don't worry about that burn, that's just the sexy comin' out!!" --Kris Hobbs

Thanksgiving and Christmas have come and gone, now to get back on track!

Thanksgiving isn’t as much of a temptation for me because I frankly don’t like a lot of the traditional fare. Turkey and dressing? No thanks! But Christmas, on the other hand, is all about foods I am tempted by, and I’m sorry to admit that I succumbed to temptation this past Christmas. Candied yams, sausage balls, cookies, dips, all kinds of desserts and snacks…. And that’s just at one of the places we went. We had ham and mashed potatoes at my mother-in-law’s house for lunch, and homemade burritos for supper at my parents. More snacks at my aunt and uncles, a meal at my grandmothers, and more snacks at Kyle’s Mamaw’s house. And we ate some of everything.

So it was no surprise to see a setback in my weight loss plans in the form of a 5 pound gain.

So that’s the bad. Here’s the good. Now that the holidays are over we’re back on a regular routine where I buy groceries and prepare healthy meals. Some friends of mine are opening a new gym and I’m excited to try a new exercise routine as soon as they have it up and running. I’ll be writing more about that as I learn more. I’m paid up at LA Boxing this month, so I’m currently reaping the benefits of great music, pink boxing gloves, a punching bag, and two of the best trainers ever. Thanks Kris and Lowell for the sore thighs, abs, shoulders, and arms. I feel like the punching bag! But it's all good :)

My Anthem

This song really resonates with me.

Song Title: One More
Artist: Superchick

It feels like I have lost this fight
They think that I am staying down
But I'm not giving up tonight
Tonight the wall is coming down
I am stronger than my fears
This is the mountain that I climb
Got 100 steps to go
Tonight I'll make it 99

One more, go one more, yeah yeah,
Dont's stop now, go one more, yeah yeah,
One more, go one more, go one more, yeah yeah,

I have everything to lose
By not getting up to fight
I might get used to giving up
So I am showing up tonight
I am my own enemy
The battle fought within my mind
If I can overcome step one
I can face the 99

One more, go one more, yeah yeah,
Dont's stop now, go one more, yeah yeah,
One more, go one more, go one more, yeah yeah

I won't wear stiletto shoes outside because I'm afraid I'll strike oil....

Have you ever seen the sitcom, According to Jim with Jim Belushi? I have a great storyline for the show. Imagine that the family is going on vacation. They are spending a week in Cancun, and Jim’s sister-in-law, played by Kimberly Williams-Paisley teases Jim about being so white that people will be blinded once he takes his shirt off at the beach. Predictably, Jim goes to a tanning salon to build a bit of a tan before his pastiness effects the vision of hundreds of beach going innocents. While he’s in the tanning bed, the camera is focused solely on his face. He’s lying in the tanning bed struggling with his goggles waiting for the lights to come on... when you hear the sound of breaking glass and his eyes widen. Yep, the plexiglas has cracked under the weight of Jim’s ass. The show goes on with Jim howling in pain and being wheeled into the emergency room where a beautiful Asian nurse giggles uncontrollably while using tweezers to remove tiny pieces of glass from Jim’s butt. Jim spends his vacation lying on his stomach and unable to sit due to the stitches in his ass.

This is a true story, only the role of Jim was played by me, the vacation was to Cozumel, and I didn’t actually have to have glass picked out of my ass by a nurse. I cried. The poor girl that worked at the tanning salon didn’t know what to do, and obviously felt sorry for me. She said to her knowledge that had never happened before, and wanted me to use one of the stand-up booths. When I came out she had been on the phone with the store owner who explained that the Plexiglas becomes brittle after months and months of being heated and cooled, and occasionally this happens. I’m sure they’re right, but I still felt … Wretched. They did upgrade my package to the standing booth for free, as I refused to use the bed again.

There are many reasons to want to lose weight. My health and appearance are among them, but one that’s equally important is my general happiness. I feel bad about myself, due to my size, and I often have stories of things that happen to me that would make anyone else feel bad too. In order to deal, I try to make them funny. They may be funny only to people who know me well, or people who can sympathize, but I may post a few on here, such as this one. It’s ok to laugh. I cried at the time, but I laugh now :)