It's Been a Vicious Cycle

I realized a couple of months ago that it was taking longer to catch my breath when I topped the stairs, getting down to the floor and back up again was a little painful, and that it was taking more effort to stand up from a relaxed position on the couch. So I went to the doctor and was shocked to find out that my weight had climbed to a number far surpassing any number I ever thought I would see. I'm not brave enough to share it with you yet, but one day, perhaps I will. I promise, I will have lost a significant amount of weight by then!

My doctor is wonderful. She comes across as genuinely caring, does not coddle, offers suggestions and an honest opinion in a firm, but kind manner. She did all kinds of testing, and discovered that basically.... I'm disgustingly healthy, other than my weight. Is it strange to hope something is wrong with you? A diagnosis of some sort, while it wouldn't make it easier and I certainly don't want to be sick, would at least offer an excuse for how I got to be grossly obese. It would sweep the blame right off my doorstep.

The truth is, I lie to myself.

Lie: I tell myself that since I exercise I can eat or drink whatever I want.
Truth: There has to be a calorie deficit to achieve weight loss, and if I consume extra calories, then I'm counteracting the loss of the caleries I burned during exercise!

Lie: I eat the same amount of food as my husband, and he's not fat! (He's rather good lookin' actually!)
Truth: We probably eat about the same amount of food, in fact, Kyle often finishes my plate, BUT, most of the time he is eating much healther foods with only a bite or two of my unhealthy fare. Once again, quality trumps quantity.

Lie: I don't look my weight.
Truth: That's a moot point. Whether I look my weight or not does not matter because I feel my weight. It's uncomfortable, painful at times, and has an emotional pain intrisically attached.

Lie: If I had more free time and money, I could lose weight.
Truth: People lose weight and get healthy all the time, and they too are busy with jobs, lives, children, obligations. They make time for it. It's called a priority!

Today my doctor told me several times that she believes in me, that I can lose weight, "But," she said, "You have to want it." She told me that she did not feel like I wanted it. She said she felt like there is a block of some sort that is keeping me from self-motivating, and if I can't be self-motivating, I won't be successful. She was adamant that she believes I can lose this weight, without medication, without surgery... soley on my own.

I do want it. I'm uncomfortable in my skin. I'm a good person, funny, smart, and loved, but I don't like me. My size holds me back. I've been thinking about mental blocks, and I think there is truth to what she said, and I'm grateful to her to bringing it to my attention. I can work on those things, and make and execute my plans for weight loss success.

Some simple things I'm going to do to keep myself motivated are blog more often. Hold myself accountable. Actually keep track of weight, calories in, calories burned. Not drink my calories. Make a list of reasons I want to lose weight. Chronicle my failures and my successes.

I once asked God to make this experience worth it. To use me, to glorify Him, to help others. I felt so strongly, that God will use me, that he wants me to lose weight and be healthy, and that he wants me to do it for Him. But I've been a slacker and I've been stubbornly resentful of the actual work that has to be put into this. And I've been unsuccessful in fulfilling the plans I know God has for me.

God, here I am. I'm admitting that I have knowingly done things that are bad for my health, that cause this weight gain. I believe I've hurt my body and my heart, and I'm pleading with you to heal both. Make me a new creation. Instill in me discipline and enthusiasm, and guide me in my decisions, so that I glorify You.